Forgiveness

I was realizing how much easier it is to forgive people you love than people you don’t. And how easy it is to get angry with people when you don't love them when they do things that really annoy you or are really selfish or are really messed up in some way that messes you up. If I love you, I can forgive anything, but there are certain things that people do that really set me off, and I don’t want to give anyone I don't love a second chance because there’s a saying, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.” Some people use a stronger word than “fool” but I’m trying to be a good Christian here and watch my mouth and I think you get the idea.

I have to watch my mouth all the time. I used to have a mouth like a truck driver. I thought it was cool to curse and tell people off and let people know what I was really thinking about them. I thought it made me tough and not a pushover, I thought it let people know just who I was and that they couldn’t mess with me. I also had a really bad temper – and if I’m left to my own devices, I still do. People who met me after I was born again are always really surprised when I tell them that – they see the sweetness and light but that’s just Jesus. Thank God He sends His Spirit to come live in us, otherwise I’d still be cursing and angry all the time.

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22). Jesus talks a lot about how we will know someone by their fruit – that we can know if someone really is His by the things that they do and how they relate to other people. We can go to church all we want to, and smile and say, “God bless you!” to everyone we meet, we can make a big show of praying and fasting and putting our envelope in the offering basket and writing our checks for our tithe, but what happens when someone does something spiteful to you? What happens when someone lets you down? What happens when the going gets tough and things don’t look like they’re going your way? What happens when someone asks you for help and you don’t have time? Hey, I’m just asking. I know what the answer is for me, so I’m not judging anyone. Without Jesus I’d be a big angry selfish mess.

If someone I love does something really annoying, I’ll make every excuse in the book to forgive them. I’ve had people I love lie to me and be so selfish, and I still kept trying to find some reason to justify continuing to love them. And that was before I was born again. But even now, when someone who I don’t particularly love starts acting up, watch out. I’m ready to say they’re a complete waste of space and that there’s no way I can forgive them. But Ephesians 4:32 tells us, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” If it didn’t add that part about “as God in Christ forgave you,” it would be easy to say that’s just for idiots and doormats and I’m not doing it, but that end of the line is a real punch line. I know how much God in Christ forgave me, and I know it was only because of His kindness and tenderhearted love that I have been forgiven, so how could I possibly say, "no way am I doing that" – do I want Him to say I’m a waste of space too? Do I want Him to say, "I'm not going to the Cross for that mess"? He easily could have – I was a waste of space before He forgave me and let me into His big wide arms of love. I was a mess that didn't deserve the lavish love He gives me every day. And without His grace I'd still be a mess and a waste, but because He decided to forgive and love me, I get a new chance every day to try to do it better.

Ephesians 4:22-23 tells us, “to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” There’s something that happens when we decide to forgive and to love – and there’s an opposite something that happens when we decide not to. When we hold unforgiveness, when we decide that someone is not worth our love, we’re not allowing that the other person may actually not know the whole of what they are doing. There may be something that has caused them to act the way they’re acting. We don’t know anyone else’s story until we’ve lived their whole life and that will never be possible. Sometimes people hide the deepest and darkest secrets under a pretend of a smile. They put on a really good show and they can fool us. That’s why God tells us that He is the only one allowed to judge, because He knows all hearts (Acts 15:8). We sometimes don’t even know our own.

When we decide to forgive, we allow the other person room to grow and change, and we allow ourselves the freedom to be forgiven for our own mistakes. I came to know the Lord through forgiving people who had been doing some really awful things, things that threatened to ruin my life completely and that would have ruined my life but for the grace of God. I’ve had some insight since then as to why they did what they did, but I’ll still never know the whole story because I’m not them. Only when we all get to heaven will I know the whole truth, and then it won’t matter unless I’ve been walking around not forgiving them all these years. When we decide to forgive, we change the atmosphere of the earth - we can get a little bit closer to heaven and bring a little bit of heaven down here to the earth.

Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” What a difference that is from cursing and being angry and letting people have a piece of my mind! Oh, Jesus, thank you Lord. I’m not going to say that I don’t ever get angry, because I know I do. I’m human, and people can be really annoying and really obnoxious sometimes. But I’m learning to hold my tongue – to let Christ renew my mind and take hold of my mouth and my thoughts before I say what I think I need to say. Proverbs 18:21 tells us, “The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love it will eat its fruit.” We can build people up or tear them down, we can pillory people or give them grace. Building up and giving grace is so much more powerful than destroying. Having self-control is so much more powerful than losing my temper. And when you do it God’s way, you always end up winning. When you’re kind to your enemies, you heap coals on their heads (Romans 12:20). When you let God be the judge and the jury, you have peace, and all of the other fruit of the Spirit have room to live and grow in you.

Ephesians 4 begins with Paul saying, “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” There He goes again, those added words that make us think twice before saying no. Paul's a prisoner at this time, because of His faith in God. Because of the choice he has made to follow Christ. How can I take his words lightly? He continues, “Be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.” And there it is again, those words that make me think about things differently. If there is God in the other person, that person who I am trying not to forgive, how can I condemn them? If I look at another and try to see God, I have to accept that we are part of the same whole and that God is over us both. I am not in control, they’re not in control. I am not right and they are not wrong. We are both part of the same God and His Spirit and His grace are in us both. As Paul says in verse 7, “But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.” I may have more grace today to give but maybe I’ll need more grace tomorrow. It is Christ who gives the grace so that we can give it to others and receive it when we need it.

Romans 15:13 says, "May the God of all hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope in the power of the Holy Spirit." Now that's a promise I want to hold onto. To be so filled with joy and peace that we are overflowing with hope? And all He is asking is that we trust in Him. God is not asking us to forgive out of ourselves - He knows it's hard, and He of anyone knows how annoying people can be. But if He can forgive the world, if He can forgive as He dies on a Cross, if He can forgive selfishness and pettiness and cruelty and all of the other things we do that do not show love to others or to Him, if He can still love us even as we lie and cheat and steal and throw each other under the bus, He has enough love to share with us all. If we just take a small part of that love and let it start to fill us and heal us, we'll find it's easier to love someone else and let them know the kind of love that can forgive everything. If we trust God to take care of the judgment part, if we trust Him that He knows all hearts, even our own, and that He is always fair and honest and true, we can relax and let go and let Him do what He does best, help and heal and bless and make whole.

Blessings,

Jannie Susan

Corazon Espinado

There’s a Carlos Santana song that he sings with the band Maná, “Corazon Espinado.” I love that song and used to listen to it all the time when the album “Supernatural” first came out. I used to buy records all the time and then CD’s. There were people whose latest music I’d always buy – if I was in a record store and I saw that Neil Young had something new, I’d get it. Eric Clapton, Iggy Pop, Carlos Santana, David Bowie. My brother trained me well – I heard so much great music of his growing up that listening to music is a part of my life in a way that brings a lot of joy. “Corazon Espinado” has lyrics that are sad, but the song isn’t. The song is so full of life.

I studied Spanish for years in school – junior high and high school – six years in all, and I used to speak it and read it and write it really well. I didn’t use it for years, and so now it takes time for me to translate things, but that song was pretty easy. When you have a feel for Spanish, it makes sense – the sentence structure is really simple once you get used to it, and it’s definitely lyrical – it’s one of the most beautiful languages I think, and I have a Pastor friend from the Dominican Republic who calls it the Celestial language. I heard another Pastor I know who is from Puerto Rico evangelize on the streets outside the projects on the lower east side once, and he started in English and then switched to Spanish. It was the most beautiful time I ever heard him preach.

“Corazon Espinado” translates to something along the lines of a heart that is pierced or torn by something like thorns. The song has been on my mind for the past week or so, and I finally looked it up last night to see if what I was thinking was what God was telling me. I was getting some kind of message that it had something to do with Him, and I thought that was really strange, but when I looked it up, I found a question and answer website and several people had written in that the translation is really something closer to the sacred heart of Jesus surrounded by the crown of thorns. God is really funny that way. A song is on my mind, and I keep thinking that it couldn’t possibly be something that He was trying to tell me, but sure enough, it is, and then when I need to have Him confirm it, He confirms it not once, but several times.

What I had been thinking about is that only God can heal a broken heart. There was a time in my life when my heart was so broken that I turned away from God completely. When I was 18, I got into a fight with the first love of my life, and I said some things I shouldn’t have said, and wrote them too. We had not ever had a fight before that, and we’d been together for three years. I thought I was going to marry him. But then in one outburst of anger, I lost him. It was all over after that, and there was nothing that I could do or say to make it right again. The words were let loose and they couldn’t be taken back. I didn’t know God at the time in the way I do now, but I’d had an innocence that was lost when I felt my heart break. I closed the door to ever loving again and closed the door to the possibility of God.

When I met someone six months later, I didn’t care about love at all. But the heart is an interesting muscle. It gets bruised and hurt seemingly beyond repair, but somehow it bounces back to health again. But there is always something lost unless we really have a chance to heal. The innocence that was lost needs to be restored and renewed and reborn. I did fall in love again, only this time I didn’t give my whole self. I was afraid that it would end and so I didn't really give my whole heart. And it did end – it’s a funny thing how we create our own sad situations sometimes purely out of fear that they won't work out. After that I didn’t really fall in love again for several years - I dabbled in it, and had boyfriends, but I didn't give my whole heart. The part I'd locked away when I was 18 stayed locked in an iron box with chains around it, double and triple locked for extra protection. When I did fall in love again, I purposely chose someone who I could never really have a lasting relationship with, thinking that somehow that would keep me safe, but things went so badly that time I ended up wanting to end it all. And that was when God stepped in and took my broken heart, my heart that had been pierced by too many thorns, and covered it with His own heart that sanctified my own and made it whole again.

One of the names of God is Jehovah Jireh, the Lord provides, and another is Jehovah Rophe, the Lord heals. He’s also known as Jehovah Mekadesh, the Lord who sanctifies you; Jehovah Shalom, the Lord our Peace; Jehovah Rohi, The Lord our Shepherd; Jehovah Nissi, The Lord is my banner; Jehovah Tsidkenu, the Lord is our righteousness; and Jehovah Shamma the God who is always there. At different times in our lives He will show up and reveal Himself in one or in many of these ways. There are other names too: Elohim, powerful God; Adonai, Lord; El Elyon, God most High; El Shaddai, Almighty God; and Yahweh, the God of Israel’s covenant. When He shows up in my life in those ways, I usually fall flat on my face and am overcome completely. When He shows up in the other ways, it is a powerful experience, but different somehow, more like something in me that has been waiting to be completed is finally complete.

When I first started thinking about “Corazon Espinado,” I was thinking about how when we know the Lord He can heal us of all things, even a heart that is broken and feels like it can never love again. All we have to do is ask Him. After I was born again, I was still feeling the pain of a broken heart. I’d be fine for a few days and then something would remind me and I’d feel so broken all over again. One day when I’d gotten a particularly nasty reminder, when it felt like there was a crown of thorns piercing my heart, I went before God and said, "please take this feeling away from me." It took a few more hours of praying that prayer, but then I went to sleep that night like a baby and woke up with no pain at all.

The song starts out with the idea that “this woman is killing me.” It sounds better in Spanish, and means something a little bit different somehow the way that Spanish always does, but that’s close to what it means. But she isn't killing the guy who’s singing – he’s still singing after all. All she really did was hurt him really badly – walked away, walked out, turned away, betrayed him, left him – who knows what the story is, but all the sad stories are the same in some way or another. When we’ve been hurt that way, betrayed, abandoned, lied to, left alone and ashamed, it feels like our love is something that isn’t worth anything and that can only cause us pain.

But God tells us something different. He tells us that love is one of the fruits of the Spirit. He tells us that love never fails. He tells us that love covers all things. He tells us that love conquers evil. He tells us that without love we have nothing, but with it we have all things. He tells us that love is the completion of the covenant with Him, that love completes His commandments.

The mistake I made the first time my heart was broken is that I turned away from God. If I had turned to Him then and had given my heart to Him, I would have saved a lot of wasted time and years. Whatever we give to Him He returns to us, “in full measure, pressed, shaken down and running over.” (Luke 6:38) Jesus tells us that if we try to save our own life we will lose it, but if we give up our life for His sake we will find it. (Matthew 10:39) I’d rather go with His offer than risk losing everything just because I’m so desperately trying to hang onto it all. I'd rather give Him my heart so that I can find it again. Besides, if He wants my heart now, after all I’ve done with it, He’s a better man than any that I know. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t mind picking up your baggage and helping to throw it in the river of forgetfulness. But that's what He does, and He does it willingly, every day for any one of us who just says yes to His offer.

Blessings,

Jannie Susan

Nazirite

It was another of those days when I was feeling worn out – I’d been talking to a friend too late the night before and didn’t get enough sleep and I’ve been dealing with a person who has really been upsetting me – and then I get home and turn on my computer and I see the news about Oklahoma. It seems that not a week goes by before we have news of another tragedy. Once again my own complaints are put into perspective – I still have a home and roof over my head that is secure. It made me think again about the person who has been driving me a bit nuts lately – someone who has been treating me very badly and has no concern for anyone else, but of all the things to be worried about, that’s the least of anyone’s worries. Who cares how someone talks to you and who cares about someone else’s issues. As long as you have the basic necessities of life, to heck with people like that.

People like that are like a poison that can start eating you up inside. They always have a sour face on, and they always have something nasty to say, condescending, flip, confrontational, insulting – you name it, they’ve got it ready to hit you with. My friend who I was talking to when I stayed up way too late said something to me that I had just been saying to another friend the other day who was dealing with an equally rotten and selfish person treating them in a very rotten way. My friend said, “I know you probably know this, but I feel like I have to say it to you, don’t let this person change you or get under your skin.” He also said something really nice, “You mean a lot to me, and having these talks with you has helped inspire me to start my search for God again. You’re a really good person. Don’t let this other person make you lose your faith and trust in God.”

I thanked my friend when he said that – it wasn’t just that it was a nice thing for him to say and a nice thing to hear, I thanked him because I did need to hear it. When we are dealing with rotten people, it can make us feel rotten inside, and the next thing you know, you’re acting just as bad as they are, and then you start questioning God and faith and then you’re on the road straight to you know where. I found a bumper sticker once when I was on a vacation in Oregon that said, “Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?” Well, that’s the place rotten people can take you if you’re not careful. All it takes is giving into the impulse to be rotten back – Jesus tells us if we even think negative thoughts about people we might as well kill them. And I have to admit I have been thinking some pretty negative thoughts. I always apologize to God, but they just keep coming because there is something very comforting in wanting to cause pain to someone who is causing me pain. I don’t understand why that should be. I don’t even like violence in movies, so I don’t understand why I don’t mind thinking about violence when someone has been treating me badly. Maybe it’s because it’s something that I know I’ll never do – but Jesus says that if we think it we might as well be doing it – that it starts in our thoughts, and if we’re not careful what we think we’ll be down that road in a handbasket, going exactly in the opposite way from where our blessings are.

Ephesians 6:12 tells us, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” That’s from the New International Version translation, and The Voice has something I think is even better, “We’re not waging war against enemies of flesh and blood alone. No, this fight is against tyrants, against authorities, against supernatural powers and demon princes that slither in the darkness of this world, and against wicked spiritual armies that lurk about in heavenly places.” I think that slithering and lurking really fit the way some of the people I have to deal with sometimes make me feel. I know it’s not really them, because I do believe God’s word that tells me that I am not at war against flesh and blood, but I like it that The Voice translation adds the word “alone” – “We’re not waging war against enemies of flesh and blood alone.” Most translations of that passage make it sound as if it's only the powers and principalities - the things outside of people that make them do the things they do. But people do have a choice. God has told us that, “I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts,” (Jeremiah 31:33). We know what is right and what is wrong, but sometimes we justify and make something seem like it’s all right when we know deep inside that it isn’t. That’s why I like The Voice translation. We are at war against a person sometimes – yes, it’s a person who is being overcome by their worst nature by the powers and principalities, the demons that slither and the spiritual armies that lurk – but it’s a person all the same, and one who has free will to do the right thing or not. God always gives us the power of choice. 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us, “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” We have a choice always, and God will always help us to do the right thing. When we accept that truth, we are accountable for our actions. There’s an expression, “The devil made me do it.” It’s funny, maybe, in some circumstances when someone says that, but it’s not true. The devil can’t make you do anything – you always have a choice.

The other part of that thought is that I have the choice to act like this person who is driving me nuts or not, and I also have the choice whether I’m going to let this person drive me nuts or not. I can get all upset when things are said to me that should not be said and when things are done that should not be done, or I can just look up and smile and say thank you Jesus for helping me through this. I heard a sermon on Sunday and the Pastor said something so funny. He was talking about how if we’re really following God we won’t fit into some situations and we will have people who don’t like us. He said, “the next time someone  in the cubicle next to you at work says, ‘You’re an idiot and I can’t stand the sight of you any more,’ say thank God! Because that means I don’t fit in here so I must be doing the right thing in God’s eyes!” That made me laugh when I heard it and when I prayed today for help in this situation I'm dealing with, the Spirit brought it back to me and I laughed again. It was God’s way of helping me not to lose my temper, His way of helping me get past the temptation to be angry and to hurt someone back who was trying to hurt me.

Someone at one of the places where I teach nutrition and wellness told me the other day that if I ever was in need of some quick good money I could sell my hair. He couldn’t believe that I’d never heard that before and had never thought about it. I have very long  hair but it never occurred to me that I could make money on it, and here this guy was telling me I could make a few thousand dollars. Apparently the longer your hair is and the straighter and lighter it is the more money it’s worth. I’m a natural blonde, and I’ve never done anything to my hair to color it or change it in any way. My hair gets darker in the winter time, but it lightens up quickly once I start getting out into the sun again and that’s why he was noticing it the way he did. In the past week I’ve had several people comment on my hair, and it’s just because it’s starting to get lighter again. There’s something about blonde hair that makes people look at you differently. It's not something that you see all the time, naturally anyway, and when it's long it makes a statement that you're different.

That’s the way it is when you’re doing God’s work in the world. It doesn’t matter if you’re famous or wealthy. You can be an ordinary person like me who struggles along from day to day, but if you’re doing the work of God in any way, you stand out in a crowd. Those powers and principalities of darkness see your powers and principalities of light and they want to go to battle to the death. And all you’re doing is helping to feed the hungry, helping little old ladies to cross the street, helping children and teens to know they’re loved and important and worth something, giving directions to strangers, being kind to someone on a bus. But that’s the work of God and it marks you for attack from all sides and when you least expect it.

I’d never sell my hair for money. I like having long hair and I like the color it is. I’ve never done anything to it because I never really wanted to change the way God made me. That’s really the truth. Long before I was born again, when I was really young, people used to tell me to perm my hair and dye it and bleach it, and though I never was really satisfied with the way I looked, I always said I didn’t want to change anything about me unless God changed it. That’s honestly what I used to say before I ever knew Him at all. I used to use rag curlers to curl it and I have some pretty funny pictures of that, and once I had a friend dye a streak blue, but it was a washable dye and it was gone in a few days. Other than that I’ve never done anything to it except for have it cut once in a while and even that was something I didn’t particularly want to do. It’s longer now than it’s ever been, and I don’t want to cut it or do anything to it. It’s not perfect, but it’s me, and it’s the way God made me to be.

If I’d never sell my hair for money, I’m not going to sell out to the powers and principalities of darkness either. It’s not a fun road to walk on sometimes when they’re coming at you from all sides, but God says that He’ll make a way where there’s no way, and that He’ll contend with those who contend with us, so I’ll stick with the side I know is winning. Besides, if I decide to go in the direction of an eye for an eye, there's a saying that tells me that will make the whole world blind. If none of us can see, what’s the point of me having all this long blonde hair? If things get really bad with this person who has been driving me nuts, I suppose I could put it over my face to block out the nastiness, and if nothing else, it will help me hold my head high because I haven’t changed the way God made me no matter what anybody else has said.

Nazirites are people who have been dedicated to God from birth, and one of the signs of a Nazirite is that they don't cut their hair. Samson was a Nazirite, and all of his strength was in his hair. It was a symbol of his vow to dedicate his life to God, and when he let Delilah in on his secret and the Philistines were able to cut his hair, he lost all of his strength and everything else with it. If I feel that strongly about keeping my hair the way God made it, I need to think about everything else I do the same way - He owns me. He bought me with a great price when He went to the Cross. The least I can do is to let Him be in charge when it comes to things like losing my temper. If I'm going to walk around saying Thank you Jesus! and holding His name next to mine, I'd better remember to represent Him with everything I do, and give His name the honor it deserves.

Blessings,

Jannie Susan

Pentecost

I found a link to a photograph that was taken of me in July of 2006 for a project and I started thinking about that time. I had been born again for seven months, and everything was so new. It’s been over seven years now and sometimes  I can forget the wide eyed wonder of those days. It was a lovely reminder of the way that God changes us in an instant, the way the hand of God moves through your life in such a powerful way that your life is completely changed.

When we are born again, there is a process that we go through with God. It's different for everyone, because God knows that we are all unique, and He treats us as beautiful, unique beings. He is very personal in His approach, and one thing that happens for all of us is that the Holy Spirit comes to live with us, to help us and guide us and teach us. That Spirit of God is the very breath of life, and the work of the Spirit begins when we are born again and continues forever so that we are always growing and changing and learning and becoming closer to the image of God that He originally created us to be.

There is a fisherman I know who I met before I was born again. During the time when my life completely fell apart, he was such a loving support. I’d stop by to see him where he worked, and he’d always give me some fish to take home because he thought I was looking so forlorn and so thin. No matter how busy he was, he always asked me with concern how I was doing, and he kept saying that he wanted to feed me because I was looking so thin and he was worried about me. At the time I was born again I had been in a relationship with a man who should have been caring for me and who wasn't. Someone who betrayed me and took advantage of my relative youth and loving heart because he was so damaged he didn't know how to love, and so damaged he needed love that he couldn't give. He saw an opportunity for full support and a heart completely open to him, and he took it. Growing up I had both father and brothers, but none of them knew how to love and support, so my relationship with this man was just the same as everything I knew before. I could give everything of myself and never receive anything back and I thought that was all right - that was the way things were. To have a man who wanted nothing from me and who wanted to take care of me from his heart, to have a man treat me with love and respect and caring was something that nourished my soul and my heart even more than the fish itself nourished my body. To have a man care about me for the person that I was, not for what I could do for him, helped me to begin to walk in a new way, the way of strength and hope and life.

Jesus tells two fisherman in Matthew 4:19, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” This happens just at the beginning of His ministry, just after he has been in the wilderness being tempted by the devil, and just after He has gone to live “in Capernaum, by the sea, in the regions of Zebulun and Naphtali, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Isaiah the prophet, saying ‘The land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, by the way of the sea, beyond the Jordan, Galilee of the Gentiles: The people who sat in darkness saw a great light, and upon those who sat in the region of death light has dawned.” (Matthew 4:14) Right after Jesus calls those two fishermen, He calls two more, and then with these new disciples He goes, “all about Galilee, teaching in the synagogues, preaching the gospel of the Kingdom, and healing all kinds of sickness and disease among the people.” (verse 23)

At the time I was born again, I was sitting in darkness, in the region of death. I had gotten to a point in my life that I wanted to die. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I wanted something to happen that would end it all. And then a great light dawned, and I was taken out of that darkness into a new day. By the time the photograph was taken that I found last night, I was healed in a way that could only be supernatural. I have no makeup on, I’m wearing something very simple, I’m sitting on the floor in the new apartment I’d moved into with a book in my hand of testimonies of God's goodness by ordinary people like me that was given to me by a Pastor I’d met at the church I’d started to go to. There is such a freshness and peace in that photo, almost like a new and younger version of myself, like I’d gone back into my childhood again and was completely renewed. That is what the experience of being born again was like for me. Over the years of living my life in the way I’d been living it, doing things the only way I knew how to do, reacting to people, reacting to things, dealing with life in the way that seemed the only way to deal with it, making decisions that I thought were the only ones I could make, I’d become older and harder, I’d forgotten what joy was, I’d forgotten how to just be. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and I see so much in that photo. All of the years of strain and stress have dropped away, and there is a freshness of the newness of life.

The fish that my friend gives me is the most delicious fish I have ever had. He works hard to fish for that fish, going out all over Long Island Sound in all kinds of weather at all kinds of hours. He cleans it and brings it into the city to sell as fresh as just off the boat. The taste of the sea is still in that fish, the taste of the freshness and newness of life. There is health in that fish, and strength, and there is the love of a fisherman for a friend, a love that gives a sweetness to the taste that is from the hand of God. When we reach out in love to a friend, when we do what we can from our heart, when we take the time to care about someone even as we need to go about our daily lives, when we take a moment to share a laugh, to share a hug, to share some food, we are doing what God asks us to do. We are following His lead, and we become fishers of people, helping to bring them back to shore when they have been lost at sea.

Yesterday was Pentecost, which is historically and Biblically the day when the Holy Spirit was given to the disciples of Jesus, and I looked up speaking in tongues because that is one of the signs of the Spirit that the disciples experienced. It is amazing to me that there is a theological discussion and argument that goes on around that topic because it is something that I do and I know what it is, at least for me. I didn’t realize how much argument and discussion there is around something that is so basic a part of my own personal experience. The first church that I attended after I was born again was from a Pentecostal background – it was less strict and more open-minded, but speaking in tongues was commonplace. When I started to speak in tongues there were only a few words and then more would come over time, and I asked the Lord to explain to me what I was saying and He started to show me that the words that I was using were from Hebrew and Aramaic. They were always related to things that He wanted to highlight and talk to me about, things that had to do with faith or something in particular that I was dealing with that had a Biblical reference. But according to what I was reading, there are people who “put on” speaking in tongues and who learn how to do it by copying other people and practicing. Why would anyone want to do that? But there is a thing that goes on in some churches that people feel like they need to have that as a sign that they are really saved. It’s so sad to think that some people feel the need to pretend and put on a show in order to be accepted as people of faith. Why not just do the things that God asks us to do? Why not just follow Him?

My fisherman friend doesn’t speak in tongues, at least not that I know of, but he speaks in the language of the heart which is the language of God. Outward signs like tongues can be wonderful, but it is better I think when what we feel in our hearts comes through to others in actions that show how much we love and care for them. There’s a very sappy song that keeps coming to mind as I write this, “Reach out and touch somebody’s hand, make this world a better place if you can.” I like sappy songs sometimes because they really do come from the heart. My fisherman friend is a real man, not sappy in the least, a man’s man, tough as they come, but his heart is so beautiful that he makes the world a better place by just being in it.

When I look at that photograph and look back on that time in my life and the freshness and newness of life that I had been given once again, I think of those people that God put into my life to wrap His love and care around me. God promises us that He will be our daily bread, that He will give us rivers of living water so that we will never thirst, and He does this by giving us His Spirit. When Jesus does His miracles of feeding thousands of people with small amounts of food, He chooses to feed them with bread - His bread of life - and also with fish. When He has gone to the cross and risen from the dead, He appears to His disciples on the seashore once again and makes them a breakfast of fish after helping them catch more fish than their nets can hold. The sign of Jesus is known among some as a fish - you see it on cars and t-shirts and signs. My fisherman friend, in doing what he did from his heart, was showing the Spirit of God that lives in him. 

Blessings,

Jannie Susan

Humility

In my Junior year of college I transferred from a college in Pittsburgh to one in New York. It wasn’t in the city, but it was close enough that it was a little daunting for this small town girl from Massachusetts. I transferred because I wanted to be an actress, and the school where I was, though a really good one, was far enough away from New York that I knew I wouldn’t make the connections I’d need to make to live and work in there, and that’s where I wanted to end up. In those days, and probably still now, if you wanted to be an actor, you moved to LA or New York City. There were no other options. Any place else meant you’d be a little fish in a little pond, and never have the fame and fortune that most of us really want when we go “into the theater” – even if we say we’re doing it for art, we’re still doing it for the money we hope we’ll get and fame is something we want too if we’re really honest about it. Acting is something that is completely ego driven. You have to have an ego that needs to be fed if you want to get up in front of strangers and have them applaud you. For some of us, it’s because we have damaged or really fragile egos, and the rejection and poverty and long hours just make us feel worse, but we do it anyway because it’s art and we do love that too. I loved it so much when I was doing it, or so I thought. Now I honestly don’t know. I don’t miss it at all and I’m so much more fulfilled in the work I do now, but in a way that’s acting too, though not acting in the sense of make believe. I really care about the people I work with, so that part is not acting. The acting techniques that come into play are really more about the public speaking and communication skills, and being comfortable in front of new groups of people all the time.

When I was in college, though, I still wanted to be an actress so much that I gave up an almost full scholarship at a really good school to go to another school that was almost double the cost and take on student loans and debt, just so that I could move from a small pond to a bigger one. I had been a pretty big fish where I was, and had been able to act in all of the mainstage plays to my heart’s content. I had big roles from the time I started there, and I wasn’t prepared for the snobbishness and cliquishness of the bigger pond I moved to. The first thing that happened was that they made me audition to see where I would fit into the acting classes. I had two years of college level training and two years of major acting roles under my belt, but they put me in the beginners' acting classes which was a big blow to my ego. I later on found out that they’d made a mistake. They hadn’t known that I was a Junior transfer student – they thought I was a Freshman who wanted to skip the beginners' classes. That was the norm with those teachers unfortunately. They never looked at records and files and it ended up costing me a recommendation to Yale because one of them never wrote a recommendation because she forgot and another wrote a paragraph when it called for at least a page. The paragraph said something along the lines of “Jannie was a very good student in class and always did her assignments on time.” So much for Yale.

So there I was in this big pond, a very small fish being made to feel smaller every day. I had come in as an acting major, or rather someone who had a “concentration in acting” as we said there, but I also had a concentration in literature and music. It was a solid liberal arts school, so we were encouraged to do things like that – take all the courses you wanted to that would never get you a job in the real world but that were sure a lot of fun and very, very artsy. I’m not sorry I did it, though, because even with what I know now about the job market and liberal arts educations meaning practically nothing to some people, it was a great foundation for living life. For some reason, liberal arts educations help give people common sense. I don’t know why that should be, but it’s true. I’ve worked over the years with lots of people with all kinds of degrees in different majors, and many of them don’t have the reasoning capability or the understanding of problem solving or the critical thinking that some of even the most artsy people I knew in college had then and still have. I also thrived there, even with my beginners' acting classes. The other classes I had were so enriching and the acting time was pure play, and though we had a lot of work and so many papers to write all the time, it didn’t seem like it at all because that kind of environment makes learning fun.

The one class I had that was no fun at all was a music theory class that started at 9am three days a week – or maybe it was two, but it was so grueling it seemed like we met every day. The regular teacher was on sabbatical, and we had a substitute who knew his stuff but didn’t know the usual methods for teaching at our school playground. I don’t say that to mean in any way that we weren’t learning – we really did do a lot of work and we really did learn a lot. In the work that I do now, I’ve been trained to teach the way I was taught at that college because research has proven that people learn more when they’re enjoying themselves and are encouraged to be a part of the discussion and are not just being lectured to. But even with all of the work we were doing, the school was a playground for most of the classes except for this music theory class. And in those days I was a night owl – that’s one way that God has really changed me – I get up so early now, even on weekends, and go to bed early when I can, but back then I was up way past midnight all the time, and a 9am class was not anything that I would look forward to, even with a great teacher which this one definitely wasn’t.

There was a freshman student in that class, and I don’t remember how we met, but all the classes were small and we were in a small room, so maybe it was just looking blearily at each other and making each other laugh that started our friendship. She invited me to come to her room to do homework together and when I got there, she had all this wonderful food to feed me with. As I got to know her over time, and then continued to know her when we both moved to the city, I saw that she was one of those people who just naturally mother other people – in a good way – giving them good food, good wine, a good martini now and again, and generally doing everything she could to make you feel loved. Her family was from New York, and she’d borrow the car and take people on trips to Long Island to go apple picking and pumpkin buying and knew all the great museums and concerts and restaurants and city hot spots to go to. She got me a job once when she was working with a boutique investment company, the kind of job that doesn’t really feel like a job when one of your friends works there. Looking back over the years I don’t think I ever told her how much I appreciated her. The gifts she gave me, the trips and dinners and all of the love she brought into my life are things that kept my life bright even during dark and difficult times. She was there through it all, through breakups and family trauma, through financial struggles and personal strife, through the good times and the bad times, reaching out a hand in love that helped keep me going when the going got tough and helped make the good times even better. 

It’s a strange thing, because sometimes I think it’s easy to assume that people know how much they mean to you. They come into your life at a time when you really need just what they have to give, and you figure they must know how much you need and appreciate what they give you of themselves, because they wouldn’t be doing it if they didn’t see how much you needed it, right? But the truth is often very different. The truth is often that these people who give so much of themselves to give you love and support are doing it because they want to do it. They sometimes don’t know that you need it, and they may not even know if it’s something that you enjoy. They’re just doing what they feel is right to do, and you’re on the receiving and benefitting end of it, enjoying it and taking it for granted that they know how much it means to you. 1 Thessalonians 5:12 tells us to “acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work.” Too often we don’t acknowledge people for the work they do, too often we don’t recognize that it is out of love that they do what they do. Too often because we miss that part, the part that is love, we miss out on love in all its fullness.

One of God's messages that is sometimes hard for us to receive is the message of humility. The word humility is so close to humiliation, and we back off from it, not wanting to feel put down and less than, like someone who transfers to college as a Junior with honors, and auditions for a place in the advanced classes only to find her name on a public list in a class of Freshman beginners. But it’s only when our ego is so fragile that where we place in an audition matters. It’s really not important what other people say or think, it’s what you do and who you are that really matters. 1 Corinthians 13:2 tells us, “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” I can have every honor and every gift and every blesssing, but without love, without knowing how to love, I may as well not have anything at all.

In the nutrition and wellness work that I do, I often talk with people about the importance of getting nutrients through foods because there are different kinds of vitamins and nutrients that help each other be absorbed together in the body and work together for the body’s health and strength. Vitamin D and Calcium are two nutrients that work well together, and as I think of humility and love, they have a similar relationship. According to Paul in 1 Corinthians, without love we are nothing, no matter what amazing gifts and skills we have. I am understanding now that without humility, we cannot love, because we cannot accept that we would not be able to make it without the help of another. Humility is not humiliation, it is far from it. Humility says that I know that I need help, and I thank you for giving it to me. Humility says I love you because you have given me love. Humiliation says that I am nothing, that I have failed, that I cannot hold my head up high. Humility says I have love, so I am something wonderful, and with your help I can keep walking.

That passage in 1 Corinthians ends with “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). If we have humility we are able to love, and if we are able to love, we can never fail.

Blessings,

Jannie Susan

Clean Hands

There are two people who I know right now who have been given a death sentence by doctors. Both of them have cancer, and both have been told they have a day to live, and yet they still continue to live. I heard about the first one two weeks ago, when I called a woman I love very much because I had a word from God for her. I told her that she was going to be married and that it had something to do with someone who was coming back into her life or who had come back into her life. She told me that she had heard from an old boyfriend who she had not spoken to in probably 20 years or maybe even more now, and that he was dying of cancer. She had been spending time with him because it was the end of his life and she wanted him to know that he was loved. I told her I didn’t want to get her hopes up, but that it was possible for God to do anything – that He could heal this man, no matter what the doctors said. She said that she knew that God could do anything, but that she knew what the outcome would be, and that he wouldn’t last much longer. When we got off the phone, I kept thinking that God can do anything, and that this is just the kind of situation where He can show up and show everyone that He is Lord. Every day after I made that call, He has given me a word about His power to raise the dead to life. No matter what I hear about this man, I have to believe what God says, because He is "the God who gives life to the dead, and calls things that are not as though they were." (Romans 4:17)

That was just after Easter, and now we are near Pentecost, and I received a call yesterday from a woman I met a year and a half before I was born again. I had gone on a vacation to Oregon with a friend of mine, and we were in a bed and breakfast in a tiny little town my friend had discovered on the internet. The population was 8, and there was a general store, a few restaurants, an antique store and the bed and breakfast. It is one of the most beautiful places I have ever been, and I’ve been blessed to see some beautiful places in my life. One night my friend and I were sitting in the breakfast room sharing some local wine together with a pizza we’d bought at one of the only restaurants there. Two women came in and were sitting on the other side of the room, and all of a sudden one of them started talking to us. She started to tell us a story, her testimony of when she was born again, and it was such an amazing story that I was mesmerized. It was something that could have sounded impossible to have happened, but somehow I knew it was true. Her name was the same as my grandmother’s, and it is not a common name that you hear often. Even though I didn’t know then what I know now about God, I knew that this was a very special meeting, and that somehow my grandmother was part of it, and that there was also some other power much bigger than I was that was in charge of what was happening. I asked for this woman’s number and email to keep in touch and we did keep in touch. A year and a half later I was able to call her up and let her know that I had my own crazy story to tell about what God had done in my life.

It was that woman who called me last night. Her husband had been dying of cancer and had been told he had 24 hours to live back in April, but he was getting better against everything that every doctor and nurse was trying to say. He had cancer in every part of his body, and he had died and come back to life. He had died just after 3:00 one morning, and his wife had prayed for him and he came back at 3:33. Jeremiah 3:33 is known as the hotline to God, “Call on me and I will answer you and show you marvelous things that you do not know.” If I didn’t know what I know about God, I would not have believed this story, but I know God, and I know this couple, and I know what they are telling me is real.

It amazes me that she called me when she did. I had been hearing from God just yesterday once again that the other man I had been hearing about could live in spite of everything that anyone else was saying. What God had spoken to me is that it was my faith that mattered, because I was the one who was born again. Other people say the things they say and think the things they think because they don't know Him, but because I do know Him and have seen what He can do in my own life and for others, because I know He is real and His power is more powerful than anything else, I have the choice to believe or not to believe, and it is that choice that matters. On Sunday I had heard a sermon about the faith and hearts of women that could move the heart of God, and what the Lord was speaking to me yesterday is that I had the faith that could move His heart in this situation, because I was praying in His will. When people have been near death and not expected in any way to live and they come back to life and recover, it could only be the hand of God. If someone has the faith to speak life in that situation, everyone remembers it when it comes to pass. People who have not known the Lord, or people who have known Him but have not understood His great mercy and love and power on our behalf, see the miracle of the dead coming to life and can believe where they may have had doubt before. It is human nature to doubt, to justify, to find some other reason for miracles, but there are some miracles that can’t be explained easily, and this would be one of those times. It would mean salvation for the woman who loves this man, and for the man himself, and for everyone around them who knew what the doctors had said and who had seen him at his worst. That is why it is so much in God’s will, and why He needed me to have my faith at work. God only needs one person to testify, and His glory will be shown, His glory that shows others His light and His love.

Because of what God had been speaking to me, the call I received yesterday was a confirmation for me, an encouragement to keep believing that He could raise the dead to life. And because of what God had been speaking to me, I was able to encourage her that yes, He was the God she knew Him to be, and yes, He would bring them both through this despite all of the challenges and struggles physically, emotionally and financially that they are facing. And they are facing many challenges. Whenever God is doing something really miraculous, whenever a really big blessing is coming for not just one person but for many people, whenever He is going to be shown in all the glory of His power and love and mercy and grace, the attacks and obstacles and hardship and struggle get stronger and come from every direction. It is always when things are at their worst that God is going to show up at His best.

When we were finishing the call, after we had prayed together, my friend gave me a word from Isaiah 54:17 that the Lord has been speaking to me over this past year about the promise that He had made to me to bring something to life that I was having trouble believing sometimes. "No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment, you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me says the Lord." It was the first word He gave me when He gave me that promise, and He gave it to me over and over again each time something seemed to block it or end it, and here she was again, claiming it over my life. "No weapon formed against you shall prosper . . ." When I told her that, she said, "Well, He also tells us, 'Decree a thing and it shall be established.' You just keep decreeing it and He'll bring it to pass."

I know my Bible verses, and I did not know that one, so when we got off the phone, I looked it up, and there it is in Job 22:28. Job is one of those books that the Lord keeps surprising me with. It is such a hard book to read because so much happens to Job that is awful and I don’t like reading about awful because Job did nothing to deserve it and I know I have done plenty to deserve it. When I read Job, I kind of skim over all the things that are scary to me, and go to those wonderful passages like “I know my Redeemer lives!” and of course the end when Job has everything restored to him more than he had lost. But in this past year, several times the Lord has surprised me with messages from Job, and this was another of those times. I went back to read chapter 22, and found this, “If you return to the Almighty, you will be restored: if you remove wickedness far from your tent and assign your nuggets to the dust, your gold of Ophir to the rocks in the ravines, then the Almighty will be your gold, the choicest silver for you. Surely then you will find delight in the Almighty and will lift up your face to God. You will pray to Him and He will hear you, and you will fulfill your vows. What you decide on will be done, and light will shine on your ways. When people are brought low and  you say, “Lift them up!” then He will save the downcast. He will deliver even one who is not innocent, who will be delivered through the cleanness of your hands.” (Job 22:23-30)

When I read that, I knew it was a rhema word for me. The word rhema is Greek, and  it means
"utterance or "thing said." A rhema word is a word that we hear that could only be God speaking directly to us. He wanted me to know that before I was born again, I couldn’t even save myself, but because I have turned to Him, my prayers can now be answered, not only for myself, but for others who I pray for, and even those who have not turned to Him because they do not know Him. Because of my faith He has made my hands that once were so dirty clean, so clean that they can help to lift up someone else.

That is a powerful word and a powerful promise, and something that I needed to hear. And it’s a promise He has for all of us – if we turn to Him, He will hear our prayers and shine His light on our way so that we can be a light for others. It doesn't matter where we were walking before. When we turn to Him, He will show us the right way, and help us on that way so we can help someone else.

Blessings,

Jannie Susan

Defender

There’s a store that I walk by on my way to one of the offices that I work in. It’s for waxing and threading, though I don’t really even know what those are – I sort of know, but I’ve never had either of them done, so I don’t really know what they are. Anyway, the store is for having those things done, but there’s another sign in the window that says, Drop Off Repair Service. I know that probably has to do with shoes or clothes, but it doesn’t say that, it just says Drop Off Repair Service and it’s in the window of the same store where they do threading and waxing. It really doesn’t make sense to me because how could you drop off and repair your legs, say, or your eyebrows? I know it’s a silly thing to be thinking about, but sometimes my mind goes in these silly directions, especially when I need a good laugh.

God does have a great sense of humor. That’s something that we sometimes forget when we’re thinking about God in all His majesty, God our Provider, God our Healer, God our Savior, God our Sanctifier, God in all His Glory, the Giver of Commandments on Mount Zion. God is all of those things and more, but He also has a great sense of humor. We are made in His image, and so He has the same love of humor that we do, and just as with everything else about God, His is the best. It's complete in its joyfulness, its lightness - there is nothing dark about His humor, nothing sarcastic, no practical jokes, just love and light and life and a deep feeling of joy.

I was having trouble with my computer for the past day. They’re always wanting you to upgrade and get different virus and anti-virus and all kinds of other spyware and malware protection, none of which I can afford, so I never get it and never upgrade, and then over time it’s almost as if they plug stuff into your computer so that you have to upgrade or buy more or a new one or the newest model or something else that you couldn’t afford and didn’t want to have to buy. It all started with an update that comes regularly – they update the files automatically now, so I turned on my computer yesterday morning and there were these new updates being installed and then the next thing I knew I couldn’t get on the internet for the longest time and had to keep restarting and then I couldn’t navigate easily and then when I tried to open files I was having trouble. It was a problem under any circumstances, but I post this blog in the morning and try to do my personal emails then too, so all this was happening early before I went to work, so I didn’t have time to be messing around with that kind of nonsense. I kept praying and praying, “In the name of Jesus,” laying hands on the computer, and it was working, but it was a battle. I finally was able to post the blog, then when I got home last night the same nonsense was happening only worse. I could barely get anything done for several hours and I went into the system and tried everything I could figure out and still problem after problem after problem.

I finally found out that the one thing that I do have to protect the computer from spyware and “unwanted software” that I don’t have to pay for to renew was turned off. It's called "Defender", and I don't know how it got turned off - I didn’t turn it off - so it made me wonder how that happened, so I turned it back on and tried to do a scan and it froze up too. So then I was back to praying. God is our best defender, so I know He can fix my computer too, or He’ll show me the way to get it fixed, one way or the other. Things still seemed to go from bad to worse, though, and finally I kept having to restart the computer by manually turning it off and then on again - it kept freezing up so nothing was working at all. And then it wouldn't start properly, and then I got to a message that I needed to do some kind of system repair check, and when I did that a message came back that it would take at least an hour to do the needed repairs, so I just decided to lie down and cover over my computer and see if I could at least rest a bit as it was now after 11pm and I have to get up early and this was really upsetting me.

All night long I kept waking up and checking, but the repair was still going on. I'd pray some more and the Lord said to just let it do its thing, so finally at 5:30 I got up and made my coffee and my breakfast, and it was still doing the repair and it said that I couldn't cancel the process, so I prayed again, and turned it off manually, tried to start it up several times, and finally got a message to check the disc for consistency. I'm telling you all this because I don't really know what any of this stuff means and the whole time I'm just praying and asking God for help, and saying, "We know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His good purposes," (Romans 8:28).

The hardest thing for me is keeping my cool through things like this - trusting that He really will do what He promises to do, even though He’s done it a million times before. I feel my blood pressure start rising the  minute I start having problems like this - I even start to break out into a sweat sometimes and my stomach gets upset. I feel all tight and restricted and almost like I'm angry - I feel like throwing the computer against the wall - like having a temper tantrum like a little child and breaking everything in sight.

I remember my father getting like that. Something would happen to set him off and he’d just erupt. He was a very loving man, but when those times came I’d have to hit the floor under the bed because it was so terrifying. He could trash the whole house and literally throw everything out the windows. I saw it happen enough times to know it was really happening. He was a strong man, but not stronger than average, but when the rages came it was like he turned into a super power. When I think of all that energy wasted on destroying things it is such a sad and terrible thing. He really had so much to give the world, and he was only able to give a small part – the rest was wasted in rage and sorrow.

I used to have rage like that. And now at times like this whenever I’m worried that God isn’t going to come through, that my computer that I rely on won’t ever work again, that I won’t have the things that I need, that the dreams that I have won’t come true, that everything is going to go back into the black hole where I lost it before - when I feel things spiralling out of my control, my emotions are spiralling, my breath is getting shallow and I'm feeling like a lost and forsaken little girl, I feel that same rage coming back again, ready to swallow me up and take everything I've ever dreamed of with it.

Before it gets there, thank God, He comes and holds onto me. My shallow breathing comes back to normal, I remember that He always comes through, and I know that the rage I remember from my father is not my inheritance because when I was born again I was given a new inheritance as a child of God. I need to know my scripture at those times, because that's the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:10-18), the only weapon of defense we have against those attacks of doubt and fear that come from somewhere deep inside of us that still needs to be healed.

My father knew the Lord, He believed in God in the way that only someone of faith can. But he had a very difficult life, with many sorrows and much hardship. I have come to understand that sometimes people can know the Lord, and even love Him, but they may not ever be healed in this life because they have not ever really fully understood the length and breadth and depth of His love for us (Ephesians 3:18). Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, there will be no more death, or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." I know where my father is now, he is healed and being healed every day. There is no more sorrow for him now, no more crying and no more pain. He is with his Father, our Father, the only one who truly knows how to love us in the way we need to be loved, the only one who can truly heal us in the way that we need to be healed. How much more important for me now to follow in my heavenly Father’s footsteps, to not continue the path that my earthly father walked in. How much more important to break those bonds of the heritage that is neither of ours and walk in the freedom that we both can claim as children of God.

My father while he lived on earth was an engineer, and a brilliant one who was known among his peers as the Guru of the East Coast. He loved to take things apart and put them back together, but often, too often, would not be able to put them back together again. Now that he's living with the Master Engineer, I can ask him for help with my computer problems. He was one of the first people I knew who owned a computer - he owned several - and one of the first who I ever heard talk about the internet. He kept trying to get me to get an email address and I thought he was just crazy. Now of course I can't live without mine. I do everything online - work and play and friends and family are all part of my internet life. Just another way that God is laughing now - He's dried my father's tears, and now my father can have fun with computers in a way he's never been able to before. He can help me too, and that's something that will make us both smile and laugh out loud.

Part of my prayers last night and all night through this morning were that my father, the one I was born to on this earth, would help me with my computer. That's he'd work all night on it and it would be fixed for me by this morning. When things still seemed bleak when I woke up and was making my breakfast, I still kept praying and saying I believed that he could do it, that God had given him the ability now that he never had before, and that it was all going to work out just fine. It was hard to keep believing, but I just kept on, and lo and behold, when I got through the disc check, the computer started itself up and it's working perfectly now - better than ever. Thank you Dad, and thank you to our Father. Praise to the Lord who heals all things and all people, and brings what has been dead back to life, and works all things together for the good so that what is lost can be found again. Whatever needs healing can be healed, and whatever we need we know He will provide, and He'll provide it in a way that will help us laugh again, like a little child who feels safe in her father's arms, because she knows he is there to take care of her and be her defender.

Blessings,

Jannie Susan