On my way into work in the morning I took out my little red
leather bound New King James Bible and it opened to Psalm 30, the perfect Psalm
for me to read at that particular time. I won’t put it all here, but do read it
– it will bless your heart if you are dealing with anything or anyone that is trying to oppress your
faith and joy. It starts with these beautiful lines, “In You, O Lord, I put my
trust; let me never be ashamed; deliver me in your righteousness. Bow down your
ear to me, deliver me speedily; be my rock of refuge, a fortress of defense to
save me.” When I read that, as sorrowful and low as I felt, I started to smile
somewhere deep inside because I knew that the Lord was speaking to me. He knew
how I was feeling, and He sent His word to strengthen me.
In verses 19-20, we read, “Oh, how great is Your goodness,
which you have laid up for those who fear You, which You have prepared for
those who trust in You in the presence of the sons of men! You shall hide them
in the secret place of Your presence from the plots of man; You shall keep them
secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.” That image just spoke so
deeply to me, when I read it on the train and now again as I write it and read
it here. The Psalmist doesn’t just say that the Lord will be good to those who
fear Him, but that He has prepared and “laid up” or stored up His goodness - think of how great the goodness of God is! - in preparation
for, not only those who trust Him, but for those who trust Him "in the presence of
the sons of men." When I read that, all I can think of is the struggle I have been
having for many months now, the struggle to keep my faith in spite of what
other people are saying and doing around me, the struggle to believe what God
has spoken over my life in spite of what other people are trying to tell me is
the truth. I know in my heart that some of these people are liars, and at best
they are just very cynical people who don’t have faith, but in the face of
their lies and in the face of their acts of power and words of cynicism, it has
been so hard to trust God in their presence. There are people who will try to
oppress other people, and if they see that you are rising up in faith, they
will try to knock you down. There are others who are so sad and disappointed in
their lives that they can’t believe that faith and dreams are possible and so
they try to get you down to where they are. When I read this Psalm, I know that
the Lord is telling me that He sees what I have been dealing with, and that His
goodness is prepared for me because I have kept speaking His word and I have
kept my focus and trust in Him in spite of these people who have been trying to
bring me down.
Verses 21-22 read, “Blessed be the Lord, for He has shown me
His marvelous kindness in a strong city! For I said in my haste, ‘I am cut off
from before your eyes’; nevertheless, You heard the voice of my supplications
when I cried out to you.” Again the vision comes – a strong city – I see a city
surrounded by walls and guards, so oppressive that it feels like a prison.
Nothing can come in or go out, and yet, He has shown His marvelous kindness to
me there. It’s a very powerful thought that He has chosen to show His kindness there – He
didn’t take me out and show me His kindness when He got me out, He is showing me His kindness in the midst of that
bleak and oppressive place. And when we think of the promise of verses 19-20, He has even more goodness stored up for when He does bring me out.
Verses 23-24 end the Psalm with these words, “Oh, love the
Lord, all you His saints! For the Lord preserves the faithful, and fully repays
the proud person. Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all
you who hope in the Lord.” When I read that I wept, sitting on the subway,
riding out to Brooklyn. When the psalmist talks about the faithful, he’s
talking about people of faith. He's not talking about perfect people. God knows that we make mistakes and that we are
not perfect. What He is asking of us is that we trust in Him. He is telling us to love the Lord
and be of good courage, and He is promising that He shall strengthen our hearts because we have put
our hope in Him. He makes it so simple, and it is so beautiful, the way He
talks to us when we feel like we can’t go on.Even so, with all of those beautiful and encouraging words that spoke directly to my situation and the way that I have been feeling, it was still a tough day, and on my way home last night I decided to walk downtown from the site where I was working. It was all the way up on East 70th Street, but I wanted to save the travel money because it all adds up. But my bags were very heavy, and I was oh, so tired, and even though it was a beautiful day, I kept thinking back to when I first moved to New York and I walked everywhere to save money. I kept thinking that nothing had changed, that I was right back where I had been all those 26 years ago. Of course that’s not true, but that’s what I was thinking. I could have taken the subway, but I don’t do anything without checking with God first, and He said to walk, and so I did. He said I needed the time with Him, too, that it wasn't really about saving the money. I needed to just be quiet and listen and let Him talk to me as I walked. And He did talk to me, in the beautiful way He has, reminding me of all the things that He has already done, and how much my life has changed for the better. He told me that even though I feel like I’m in the wilderness, I’m right on track, and that when I see the way He will work out His plans, the plans and promises He has made for my life, I will be amazed, and my sorrow will be turned to joy.
When I got down to 34th Street and the train that
takes me home, there was some kind of delay on the line. A car had gone out of
service and there was some switching problem, and there were trains full of
people just sitting in the station. I asked the conductors which train would be
leaving first and they didn’t know, but then I heard one of them point to a
train and say to someone that though they couldn't know for certain, the scheduled departure for that train was supposed
to be first. So I walked onto that car as filled as it was, and when I walked
on I saw a seat that was empty. A woman had just gotten up because she didn’t
want to wait any more, and I sat down, thanking my God who had provided a seat
for me on a train that had no seats and no room anywhere, a reminder that He has shown me His
marvelous kindness in a strong city many times - that if He can provide a seat on a train with no seats at rush hour when the trains are backed up, He really can do anything, and for whatever reason, not because of anything that is perfect or wonderful or righteous in me, but because of His kindness and love He wants to do these things for me.
It took a while, but the train finally left the station - the one that I was on did leave first - and
I was back where I needed to be to start my walk home, physically refreshed
because I’d been able to sit the whole time and put down my bags and rest my weary muscles and bones.
If I had taken the train downtown instead of walking, I might have ended up in
that disabled car in the tunnel. And even if I didn’t end up stuck in a tunnel,
I would have ended up waiting much longer than I did. That walk downtown did me
good in more ways than one.
Blessed be the Lord, for He has shown me His marvelous
kindness in a strong city! Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your
heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord. Be of good courage and just wait and see. He shall strengthen your heart because you hope in Him.
Blessings,
Jannie Susan
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