I forget the horse’s name, and I don’t even remember the
type of horse it was. I think it might have been something called a three quarter
horse? I don’t remember. I don’t even remember if it was a male or a female. What
I do remember is that it was smaller than the other horses, and I’ve always
been tall, but somehow that horse fit me perfectly. It was an untrained horse,
relatively so. The other horses were much better trained and were great for
young kids. This horse didn’t know how to do much, and it was difficult to
ride; it was young and balked at the idea of being ridden. But somehow when I
got on it, as inexperienced as I was I was able to coax it to do all kinds of
things that even the other horses couldn’t do well. We made a great team, and
we had a great time together. I’d go on evening rides with one of the
counselors and we’d gallop all over the place, up and down hills with views of
the sky and down by the rivers, all along the shore. No one ever wanted to ride
that horse, because no one else could, so every time I went to the barn I just
saddled up and was ready to go – it was like having my own private horse,
something I’ve always wanted.
I don’t remember how long I was at that camp – I’m thinking
maybe a month? Maybe it was even closer to two. I don’t know if my parents
could afford all of that, but somehow I think it was a pretty long time. At the
end of the summer they held a Gymkhana, it was something that other kids who
had been at that camp before were looking forward to because it was a lot of
fun with a lot of fun prizes and games. I was practicing up for it with my own
special horse and I thought I might even be able to win something because we
were able to do some of the most intricate jumps together, things that some of
the advanced riders had trouble doing.The big day came, and I went to the barn to saddle up, but my horse was nowhere to be seen. I was asking where it was, and then one of the other girls, someone I don’t even remember now, so I can’t say whether we had been friends or not then, someone came over to me and said they were riding that horse that day. I was in complete shock. No one ever rode that horse except for me. Why would someone decide to ride it that day of all days? I looked around and all the other horses were taken, except for a piebald horse that was old and overweight and grumpy, a horse that no one ever rode because it refused to do anything except eat. But I had no choice if I wanted to ride that day, so I saddled up and rode out on my very bumpy and sullen ride.
The old piebald balked at everything, and at one point when
we were in the middle of a jump that had two jumps – I know someone out there
must know the name of this and if you do, please let me know – in the middle of
the jump, after I’d finally gotten the balker to go over the first jump after
coaxing it I don’t know how many times and having to go back around the track a
few times and try and try again – after all that, the old piebald refused to go
over the second jump and just stayed there in the middle and started grazing. I
kept coaxing, and finally got the horse to half-heartedly trot out through the
middle of the jump and try again, and this time it landed flat on the top of
the jump, nearly crushing it completely. That was it for me, everyone was
laughing their heads off except for me of course because I was completely
mortified, and so I somehow got the horse off the jump and trotted it or maybe
even got off and walked it by that point, off the field. What I’d thought was going to be a
perfect day, maybe winning a prize with my own special horse, had turned out to
be a nightmare of embarrassment and misery, being forced to ride on an old
overweight horse that didn’t want to be ridden at all.
When I saw the word Gymkhana on Saturday morning, that was the first
thing I thought of. When I thought of that Gymkhana, nearly 40 years ago, it
made me think of other times when people have seen something that I was doing
and wanted to do it because I was doing it –not because it was something that
they wanted to do, but because I was doing it and enjoying it, they wanted to
have what I had. I’ve had girls who wanted boyfriends I’ve had and later women
who wanted the men in my life, I’ve had people who’ve wanted the apartments I’ve
lived in and the clothes I’ve worn, and even people who have wanted my life. I’d
like to believe that this is because I’ve had such a wonderful and envious
life, but I know that isn’t true. Sometimes people just want what you have because
it’s yours.
The 10th Commandment is, “You shall not covet
your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or
female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”
It’s amazing to me that God made this a commandment – or rather it’s not amazing
to me that He did, it’s amazing to me that He needed to. Why would I want something
just because it didn’t belong to me or desire a person because they were in
someone else’s life?
I remember a time when I was in elementary school, fifth or
sixth grade, just at the age when you’re starting to think about flirting and
dating – at least that was the age when I was growing up though now I know it’s
a lot younger for some kids. But for us, that was the time, and there was this
girl who was “really in love” with this guy – they weren’t dating, he hadn’t
shown any special interest in her, but she
loved him, and so even though I thought he was really cute, I wouldn’t flirt
with him at all. Just the fact that she liked him made me stay away. There were
plenty of other fish in the sea. But some women aren’t like that. They see you
with someone and they have to see if they can get him. Why this happens is a mystery - there are
plenty of blessings for all of us, so why not just let everyone have their own? There was one time I walked on that road, before I was born again, a time when a man I know lied to me about his wife. He told me it was just a marriage of convenience, and I believed him because why would he lie? And he wasn't actually lying - from his point of view he didn't want to be married - but his wife sure did, and I didn't take her into account when I said yes when I should have said no. If I wouldn't go after a boy who a girl had a crush on, how could I have even thought that was ok?
In 1 Timothy 6:6-10 we read, “But godliness with contentment
is great gain, for we brought nothing into the world and we cannot take
anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will
be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare,
into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and
destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is
through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves
with many pangs.”
It is interesting for me to read this now, because I know
that it is not just the love of money, but the love of anything that we allow
in our hearts to take the place of God that is the root of all evil. It can be
love of power or position, love of approval or the desire for it, love of a man
or a woman that takes the place of even our own ethical and moral sense – an all-consuming
relationship that is based on need to fill a void rather than on respect and a mutual caring
and sharing of love. I’ve been guilty of all of the above, and so much more. I’ve broken every commandment there is,
and yet God still gave me another chance.
When I looked up “Thou shalt not covet,” I found a teaching by
Rabbi Abraham Meier Ibn Ezra, a Jewish scholar born in 1089. “When he knows
that God has forbidden his neighbor's wife to him, then she is more elevated in his eyes than the princess in the eyes of the peasant. And so he is satisfied with his
portion and does not allow his heart to covet and desire something that is not
his, for he knows that God does not wish to give it to him; he cannot take it
by force or by his thoughts or schemes. He has faith in his Creator, that He
will provide for him and do what is good in His eyes.” This is true for anything that we can name - a husband or a wife, a friend or a house or a horse or a job or even a gift of the Spirit. If we trust that God will give to us what we need, we will have no need to want what someone else has.
I remember a time years ago when a friend told me about a
journal that was accepting entries of poetry after the attacks on the World
Trade Center on September 11, 2001. I lived in Manhattan at the time and had
photographs of the street looking straight downtown to the towers before and the
missing towers after, identical but very different photographs that I had taken from the middle of West Broadway during
different days and seasons. They were striking photographs, and I had seen the
attacks from my rooftop, so I had a first-hand story to tell. My friend lived in
California, and we were both accepted into the journal. I didn’t think anything
of it until the issue was published and I saw that they had only intended to
accept three submissions. I emailed my friend and said how generous she had
been to tell me about the journal, knowing that I might be accepted and she might not. She wrote back to me
that she had learned that the blessings that God had for her were different
from the blessings that He had for other people, and that her sharing a
blessing with me didn’t take away from hers at all. I didn’t know the Lord
then, and I couldn’t fathom how a person could think this way. But that’s the way God operates. He doesn’t say don’t covet to
keep us away from good things, He says don’t do it because the act of coveting can actually hurt us and lead us into trouble and away from the blessings He has for us. He’s got our
blessings and we don’t have to covet anything that belongs to anyone else or anything
that anyone else is doing.The other girl at the Gymkhana lost miserably too. If I remember correctly, she couldn't even get the horse I usually rode to go onto the field at all. The horse may have even thrown her, because that's what that horse usually did with everyone else. Because she wanted what I had and tried to take it away from me, we both lost out, but in some ways she lost even more. At the end of my time at that summer camp, they had an awards dinner for all of the campers. It was one of those places where everyone won an award and everyone was celebrated for their unique contributions and personalities. At one point they started talking about a very special girl, someone who had commitment and patience, who would not quit when faced with a challenge and who kept going even when things weren't going her way. They announced my name and gave me The Green Horse Award, the word green referring to a horse that was not trained and was difficult to ride. I had thought I'd lost the big prize on the day of the Gymkhana, but the biggest prize was the one I was given that day. I still have it somewhere in the house where I grew up, a horse cut out of green paper with my name on it and a star.
When we have faith that God will provide for us and do what is good, then we can feel a contentment, a peace like a river, that flows through everything we do and that will not run dry. We will have no need to want what anyone else has, because we know that what He has given to us and will give to us is exactly what we need.
Blessings,
Jannie Susan
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