Defender

There’s a store that I walk by on my way to one of the offices that I work in. It’s for waxing and threading, though I don’t really even know what those are – I sort of know, but I’ve never had either of them done, so I don’t really know what they are. Anyway, the store is for having those things done, but there’s another sign in the window that says, Drop Off Repair Service. I know that probably has to do with shoes or clothes, but it doesn’t say that, it just says Drop Off Repair Service and it’s in the window of the same store where they do threading and waxing. It really doesn’t make sense to me because how could you drop off and repair your legs, say, or your eyebrows? I know it’s a silly thing to be thinking about, but sometimes my mind goes in these silly directions, especially when I need a good laugh.

God does have a great sense of humor. That’s something that we sometimes forget when we’re thinking about God in all His majesty, God our Provider, God our Healer, God our Savior, God our Sanctifier, God in all His Glory, the Giver of Commandments on Mount Zion. God is all of those things and more, but He also has a great sense of humor. We are made in His image, and so He has the same love of humor that we do, and just as with everything else about God, His is the best. It's complete in its joyfulness, its lightness - there is nothing dark about His humor, nothing sarcastic, no practical jokes, just love and light and life and a deep feeling of joy.

I was having trouble with my computer for the past day. They’re always wanting you to upgrade and get different virus and anti-virus and all kinds of other spyware and malware protection, none of which I can afford, so I never get it and never upgrade, and then over time it’s almost as if they plug stuff into your computer so that you have to upgrade or buy more or a new one or the newest model or something else that you couldn’t afford and didn’t want to have to buy. It all started with an update that comes regularly – they update the files automatically now, so I turned on my computer yesterday morning and there were these new updates being installed and then the next thing I knew I couldn’t get on the internet for the longest time and had to keep restarting and then I couldn’t navigate easily and then when I tried to open files I was having trouble. It was a problem under any circumstances, but I post this blog in the morning and try to do my personal emails then too, so all this was happening early before I went to work, so I didn’t have time to be messing around with that kind of nonsense. I kept praying and praying, “In the name of Jesus,” laying hands on the computer, and it was working, but it was a battle. I finally was able to post the blog, then when I got home last night the same nonsense was happening only worse. I could barely get anything done for several hours and I went into the system and tried everything I could figure out and still problem after problem after problem.

I finally found out that the one thing that I do have to protect the computer from spyware and “unwanted software” that I don’t have to pay for to renew was turned off. It's called "Defender", and I don't know how it got turned off - I didn’t turn it off - so it made me wonder how that happened, so I turned it back on and tried to do a scan and it froze up too. So then I was back to praying. God is our best defender, so I know He can fix my computer too, or He’ll show me the way to get it fixed, one way or the other. Things still seemed to go from bad to worse, though, and finally I kept having to restart the computer by manually turning it off and then on again - it kept freezing up so nothing was working at all. And then it wouldn't start properly, and then I got to a message that I needed to do some kind of system repair check, and when I did that a message came back that it would take at least an hour to do the needed repairs, so I just decided to lie down and cover over my computer and see if I could at least rest a bit as it was now after 11pm and I have to get up early and this was really upsetting me.

All night long I kept waking up and checking, but the repair was still going on. I'd pray some more and the Lord said to just let it do its thing, so finally at 5:30 I got up and made my coffee and my breakfast, and it was still doing the repair and it said that I couldn't cancel the process, so I prayed again, and turned it off manually, tried to start it up several times, and finally got a message to check the disc for consistency. I'm telling you all this because I don't really know what any of this stuff means and the whole time I'm just praying and asking God for help, and saying, "We know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His good purposes," (Romans 8:28).

The hardest thing for me is keeping my cool through things like this - trusting that He really will do what He promises to do, even though He’s done it a million times before. I feel my blood pressure start rising the  minute I start having problems like this - I even start to break out into a sweat sometimes and my stomach gets upset. I feel all tight and restricted and almost like I'm angry - I feel like throwing the computer against the wall - like having a temper tantrum like a little child and breaking everything in sight.

I remember my father getting like that. Something would happen to set him off and he’d just erupt. He was a very loving man, but when those times came I’d have to hit the floor under the bed because it was so terrifying. He could trash the whole house and literally throw everything out the windows. I saw it happen enough times to know it was really happening. He was a strong man, but not stronger than average, but when the rages came it was like he turned into a super power. When I think of all that energy wasted on destroying things it is such a sad and terrible thing. He really had so much to give the world, and he was only able to give a small part – the rest was wasted in rage and sorrow.

I used to have rage like that. And now at times like this whenever I’m worried that God isn’t going to come through, that my computer that I rely on won’t ever work again, that I won’t have the things that I need, that the dreams that I have won’t come true, that everything is going to go back into the black hole where I lost it before - when I feel things spiralling out of my control, my emotions are spiralling, my breath is getting shallow and I'm feeling like a lost and forsaken little girl, I feel that same rage coming back again, ready to swallow me up and take everything I've ever dreamed of with it.

Before it gets there, thank God, He comes and holds onto me. My shallow breathing comes back to normal, I remember that He always comes through, and I know that the rage I remember from my father is not my inheritance because when I was born again I was given a new inheritance as a child of God. I need to know my scripture at those times, because that's the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6:10-18), the only weapon of defense we have against those attacks of doubt and fear that come from somewhere deep inside of us that still needs to be healed.

My father knew the Lord, He believed in God in the way that only someone of faith can. But he had a very difficult life, with many sorrows and much hardship. I have come to understand that sometimes people can know the Lord, and even love Him, but they may not ever be healed in this life because they have not ever really fully understood the length and breadth and depth of His love for us (Ephesians 3:18). Revelation 21:4 says, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, there will be no more death, or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." I know where my father is now, he is healed and being healed every day. There is no more sorrow for him now, no more crying and no more pain. He is with his Father, our Father, the only one who truly knows how to love us in the way we need to be loved, the only one who can truly heal us in the way that we need to be healed. How much more important for me now to follow in my heavenly Father’s footsteps, to not continue the path that my earthly father walked in. How much more important to break those bonds of the heritage that is neither of ours and walk in the freedom that we both can claim as children of God.

My father while he lived on earth was an engineer, and a brilliant one who was known among his peers as the Guru of the East Coast. He loved to take things apart and put them back together, but often, too often, would not be able to put them back together again. Now that he's living with the Master Engineer, I can ask him for help with my computer problems. He was one of the first people I knew who owned a computer - he owned several - and one of the first who I ever heard talk about the internet. He kept trying to get me to get an email address and I thought he was just crazy. Now of course I can't live without mine. I do everything online - work and play and friends and family are all part of my internet life. Just another way that God is laughing now - He's dried my father's tears, and now my father can have fun with computers in a way he's never been able to before. He can help me too, and that's something that will make us both smile and laugh out loud.

Part of my prayers last night and all night through this morning were that my father, the one I was born to on this earth, would help me with my computer. That's he'd work all night on it and it would be fixed for me by this morning. When things still seemed bleak when I woke up and was making my breakfast, I still kept praying and saying I believed that he could do it, that God had given him the ability now that he never had before, and that it was all going to work out just fine. It was hard to keep believing, but I just kept on, and lo and behold, when I got through the disc check, the computer started itself up and it's working perfectly now - better than ever. Thank you Dad, and thank you to our Father. Praise to the Lord who heals all things and all people, and brings what has been dead back to life, and works all things together for the good so that what is lost can be found again. Whatever needs healing can be healed, and whatever we need we know He will provide, and He'll provide it in a way that will help us laugh again, like a little child who feels safe in her father's arms, because she knows he is there to take care of her and be her defender.

Blessings,

Jannie Susan